The most recent race row regarding the Royal Family, and accusations brought back to the fore by Harry and Meghan, bring into focus a much bigger question that few seem willing to ask or consider – how our language affects other people, and what, if anything, we can do about it.
The big ‘hot-button’ topic of the moment, particularly since the BLM riots in America and elsewhere, is of course race but it can be much wider than that.
Personal experience
To begin with a perhaps less explosive topic, unhelpful use of language was something I came across in the early days following the birth of my daughter, Emily, who has Down’s Syndrome. Note how I phrase it. It is widely considered by many who have family members with Down’s that this is a much better way of expressing it (someone who has DS, or someone with DS), than what many people have said for years – ‘a Down’s child’, ‘a Down’s daughter’, or even ‘a Down’s’.
Those latter expressions put their condition first and foremost; it is thus what defines them. The former acknowledges their disability (and indeed ability), whilst allowing for the fact that this is only one part of who they are – they are a child/adult, a daughter or son, a friend or brother or sister; they are ‘Emily’ or ‘Stephen’, or ‘Deborah’ or ‘Khalid’, first and foremost. It may seem a subtle difference, but it’s one that has meaning. They are valued for who they are, not noted only for their disability.
It may seem a subtle difference, but it’s one that has meaning. They are valued for who they are, not noted only for their disability.
As someone who appreciated Emily for her bubbly enthusiasm, her warmth, her love and exceptional memory for bible stories – though perhaps not for her singing with great gusto but no tune! – I am completely on board with this much better way of talking about those with Down’s. I can’t help but notice when others use the more unhelpful phrase, and could so easily be offended by it, and sometimes was, a little, in the past.
Do not take offence
People who are ‘different’ in any way – and we all have our own idiosyncrasies – often have to put up with others using language that risks offending them, whether that’s disability, race, nationality, disfigurement, or anything else. Yet it’s almost impossible to avoid giving offence in today’s society, when the ‘rules’ are frequently shifting in subtle ways – and what people find offensive varies so much.
Yet it’s almost impossible to avoid giving offence in today’s society, when the ‘rules’ are frequently shifting in subtle ways – and what people find offensive varies so much.
If we are someone who is considered ‘different’ – we have to carefully consider what our reaction to such ‘slights’ should be. Our first point of call should be the Bible, and there is no better verse to consider than one in Paul’s beautiful description of what loving others looks like.
1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love “does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Other translations talk of love not being “easily provoked”, “ touchy”, or “overly sensitive”. So that needs to be our aim.
Let’s not easily take offence, for, as Proverbs tells us, “It is his glory to overlook an offence”, and “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city” (Prov 19:11; 18:19). That’s not to say that we shouldn’t educate, or point out, where a word or deed has hurt us. Indeed, we may actually need to do so, not just to prevent future ‘offences’, but in order to help us forgive the offence, for forgiveness is vital – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col 3:13).
What’s the intention?
We need to also try to understand what the person’s intentions were – did they really mean to offend? Nine times out of ten there will have been no ill intention. In addition, what one person finds offensive, others will not be in the slightest bothered by, making it impossible to work out others’ sensitivities without further information. It might be helpful to ascertain their background – for example, someone with autism will often be entirely unaware that some things they say may be offensive, and will be unable to pick up on the social clues that their interlocutor is uncomfortable.
We need to seek His healing for past hurts, perhaps with the help of a prayerful counsellor, so that innocent slights no longer trigger past pain, and we can disregard them.
But, in truth, if we have faced many such comments over the years, they can be so much harder to understand, overlook or forgive, particularly if some of those have been discriminatory or even hateful. We can be badly hurt by hateful words. This is where we need God’s help – we need to seek His healing for past hurts, perhaps with the help of a prayerful counsellor – so that innocent slights no longer trigger past pain, and we can disregard them.
Understanding others
We also need to consider our own words and actions. We are all guilty of insensitivity from time to time. We should seek to discover our friends’ sensitivities, and where certain comments might actually bring back past traumas.
Essentially, seeking to understand others is the way forward, as we reach a place where offence is given and taken on so many levels, massively amplified by the widespread use of social media.
Unhelpful language
This widespread offence is not aided by the unhelpful terms used by offended people. There is real room for improvement here. Lady Susan Hussey’s words last week to Ms Fulani were termed ‘racist’, but if they weren’t intended that way, then they’re not so much racist as insensitive and perhaps rather pushy. There’s a significant difference.
The term ‘hate speech’ is perennially bandied about. Hate speech is certainly real, but far too often other interactions that don’t remotely involve ‘hate’ get lumped into this unpleasant category.
Hate speech is certainly real, but far too often other interactions that don’t remotely involve ‘hate’ get lumped into this unpleasant category.
Equally unhelpfully, race campaigners have come up with the term ‘micro-aggressions’ to describe verbal or behavioural slights, intentional or otherwise, towards marginalised groups. While perhaps apt to denote deliberate small insults, I find the term itself somewhat aggressive and offensive. If I accidentally, with no harm intended, offend someone of colour, I would find it a hurtful word to describe my clumsy phrasing. It’s a term that threatens previously good relations between races. And so the division between people amplifies.
New terminology, new attitude
What we need is a more nuanced, neutral term to describe these awkward and unintentionally offensive remarks that are commonplace in society, so that language around diversity can be properly discussed in a grown-up way, one which brings reconciliation and understanding between people, rather than dividing groups, which is what is happening today. Positive suggestions in the comments, please!
If we are to flourish as a society, it is imperative that people seek to live with each other in harmony, being careful to understand each other, learning what hurts others, and being gentle with our words. It is equally essential that individuals stop taking offence at every clumsy comment and demanding the ‘right’ not to be offended. Otherwise, we run the risk of our already divided society sooner or later imploding.
