“Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry. Human anger does not achieve God's righteous purpose” (James 1:19-20).
Divided opinion
The world seems to be divided between those who believe hook, line and sinker everything that the Duchess of Sussex said in her interview, and those, like Piers Morgan, who don’t believe a word she says. And then there are those who don’t give two hoots!
There are, of course, more nuanced opinions. For myself, I’m torn between being mad at the way, with carefully nuanced words, Meghan attacked the family she married into without seeming to look anything but the gracious victim, and having genuine compassion for her mental health difficulties.
Distorted reality
Quite a bit of the Duchess’s narrative has been questioned in the British press (although rarely elsewhere in the world, where Britain’s reputation has been trashed). But, in my experience, mental health difficulties correlate often with a difficulty in distinguishing perception from reality.
So it may well be that Meghan truly believes that she has been hard done to, that her in-laws have slighted her, that the British public and press are racist, and that no-one had sympathy for her trials.
In all of these, I could truly say that mental illness distorts your perception of reality.
I’m writing as a non-expert, yet I have spent years supporting two particular people at different times with mental health problems: one a close family member, the other a friend who got to the point where she called me “family” and would put me down on papers as her next of kin. I’ve also been through periods of anxiety and depression, and so know a little of how it feels.
In all of these, I could truly say that mental illness distorts your perception of reality. My friend would so easily take offence. Little, ill-thought-out comments from others would be turned by her mind into an attack on her. It got harder and harder for her to keep friendships because she would get offended at little things, and would then fall out with people, burning her bridges with them. I understood what was going on underneath, and each time she fell out with me, having taken offence at perhaps a late reply to a message or something equally minor, I would simply reiterate that I had not slighted her, that I still loved her, and that I was always her friend, even if she wasn’t mine. My words stuck with her, and when she calmed down, she turned to me again.
Regarding the family member referred to, he needs regular explanations as to why others didn’t mean what he thought they meant, and help to see what was really said.
As for myself, I was not so very unwell, so when I felt others were hurting me, I could make myself be objective, reflect on what was really going on, and working through it. But that takes effort when you are unwell, and requires the kind of self-awareness that looks to how others are feeling, not just self-awareness of how you are feeling.
Mental illness for some can be all consuming, and it can make it incredibly hard to look outside yourself to the needs of others.
Real stress
Meghan had certainly been under a lot of stress. She had moved countries, to where, although the language is the same, the culture is quite different, with a different sense of humour and priorities. She was under the spotlight like never before, with limited freedom (mostly for safety’s sake). Social media, if you look at it (I keep away entirely), can be cruel. Meghan had clearly underestimated the role. She has a history of family breakups: I know nothing of her first marriage, but the schisms with her dad and half-sister are well-documented.
So, in essence, her claim that she was struggling mentally is one I can fully believe, as stress can lead at times to mental illness. After that, however, as the Palace said in their statement, “recollections may vary”.
Perception is not the same as truth. Oprah and Meghan said she was sharing “her truth”. But there is no such thing. All Meghan was sharing was her distorted perception, her side of things.
Forgiveness at the heart of real love
Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” And Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offence.”
Forgiveness is needed as the oil that prevents our relationships from rusting and spoiling.
At Harry and Meghan’s wedding, there was that stirring sermon about love. Now if we really want to promote love, we need to start at home, with those around us, in our churches, our families, our friends. Whereas sometimes issues may need addressing, we should not hold grudges and take offence, particularly over little things. Forgiveness is needed as the oil that prevents our relationships from rusting and spoiling. And we certainly shouldn’t broadcast offences to the world.
If those close to Meghan really want to support her, my advice to them would be to help her to see that her perceptions will not necessarily be the truth. They need to help her to learn to forgive, which is one of the highest expressions of the love she likes to talk about. In families, we all say and do things which cause pain from time to time. But Meghan needs to learn to “not take to heart all the things that people say”, as “your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others” (Ecc 7:21-22). And she needs to not share it with a world that likes to hear gossip about others. And lastly, the rest of her family (American and British) needs to let her know that they love her still, and that they will keep on loving her.
As Christians, it is best for us to pray and not criticise. We do not know all the truth. But we can show the way by forgiving those who slight us, however unintentionally. We can seek to understand others, and model the true love which Jesus showed us, putting other’s needs before our own.
