Jeremiah’s letter sent to the exiles in the early days of their arrival in Babylon stressed the importance of building community. Jeremiah opposed the predictions of the false prophets who were saying that God was going to do something miraculous and overthrow the Babylonian empire, allowing the exiles to return to Jerusalem.
On the contrary, Jeremiah insisted that the exiles would remain in Babylon for a long time and so it was important that they should build community life, with the marriage-based family at its centre.
Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. (Jer 29:5-6)
This last statement was important to Jeremiah, who believed that God had sent the exiles away to Babylon for a purpose – to get rid of the idolatry that obsessed them. It was even to be seen in the Jerusalem Temple, where there were shrines to other gods. Worst of all, the people were burning their babies in the fire to the false god of Molech in the valley of Topheth, outside the city.
Matchmaking and Engagements
It was in Babylon that the role of the ‘shadchanim’ or matchmakers became important. The exiles were living in village settlements scattered around Babylonia and it was important that they did not intermarry with Babylonians but maintained their own family traditions and the faith of their ancestors. The shadchanim would travel around the different communities on behalf of any family looking for suitable boys or girls to propose in marriage.
It became customary to approach the father and mother of the boy or girl to ask if they would be prepared to ‘affiance’ their child. If permission was granted, they approached the other family and began to offer or discuss terms. In these arranged marriages the young people were not consulted until terms such as the dowry had been agreed. The bride’s parents would usually provide a home for the young couple which the bride’s mother would oversee until her daughter was capable of running her own home.
It was important that the exiles did not intermarry with Babylonians but maintained their own family traditions and the faith of their ancestors.
When terms for the marriage had been agreed and the young people had been consulted, a day would be appointed for the engagement ceremony which would agree a legally binding contract for the wedding, with a written agreement for the dowry and other terms for the marriage. Once agreed, none of this could be varied without legal agreement, which became a lasting tradition in Jewish communities (hence the dilemma that Joseph faced when Mary found herself pregnant. He could not suddenly bring forward the wedding date).
Weddings
In Babylon, the wedding would be celebrated with great solemnity with family and friends of the bride and groom coming from different settlements around Babylonia. In the latter part of the exile, when there were meeting places (knessets) in every settlement, the marriage ceremony would take place there. The village elder would read out the conditions of marriage previously agreed by both parents, to which the young people would assent. The groom would place a ring on the bride's finger and say, "Behold thou art set apart for me according to the law of Moses and Israel".
Whether or not this custom, developed in Babylon, reflected earlier custom from Judea is not known. But we do know that it was customary for a party of girls from the bride's community to go out to meet the young couple, carrying lamps lit by olive oil. This is a custom that was retained after the exile, as is reflected in Jesus’ story of the wise and foolish virgins. It was also customary for friends of both families to send gifts for the wedding feast – sheep, goats and wine – which was probably also still being observed when Jesus and his disciples were invited guests at the wedding in Cana reported in John 2:1-11.
Family Life
With the men largely occupied in providing a living to support their families, it fell to the women to lead family life. The custom was developed in Babylon whereby the mother taught all the children in the home for the first 10 years. Boys aged 11 would then attend the local knesset for instruction in the Torah and the history and traditions of Israel. The girls would continue their education at home.
Home-based education included the Shema, particularly Deuteronomy 6:4-9: “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children, talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
With the men largely occupied in providing a living to support their families, it fell to the women to lead family life.
The Psalms and the feasts and festivals of Israel would also be taught, and the Friday evening Shabbat family meal became an important part of community life in the home. Inevitably, there were difficulties due to the influence of life in Babylon upon the exiles. By the third generation, Aramaic had become the main language of the exiles, with few still speaking Hebrew. The pressures to conform to Babylonian culture were intense and some women succumbed. Hence, Ezekiel chided them: “This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the women who sew magic charms on all their wrists and make veils of various lengths for their heads in order to ensnare people” (Ezek 13:18).
Nevertheless, it was undoubtedly the women in the communities of the exile who held their families together. It may be from the exile that the proverb came, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown” (Prov 12:4). It was the women who preserved the faith of the fathers of the nation, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, successfully maintaining the Hebrew identity within family life and laying the foundations of modern Judaism.
This article is part of a series. Click here for previous instalments.